It’s funny how the title alludes to soccer yet I don’t know shit about dribbling a ball or what offside even means! Oh yes soccer fans, I did pull your leg on this one! Ballsy, right?!?!? But it’s a growing trend of women especially between 27-35 marrying guys of the international stature and moving abroad to live happily ever after. Which makes me wonder, are Kenyan guys just that kawaida until they don’t spark the interest of Kenyan women anymore? Are the days for “Your hips sway like a deer in the night & your milky white teeth make my heart melt” all gone? Is the average Kenyan man that unromantic, that uncaring, that unproviding (excuse my English!), that sexually unfulfilling? Let’s face it, what essentially every chic wants ni chali “mdark, mtall, mstrong, mcharming, msmart , mplayful na akue na dough!” It’s a universal need. But what gives Italian men an edge over a kawaida Kenyan man? Is it the good looks (of course it is!), the swagger, the seductive masculinity, the silly & sexy nature, the sense of humour, the arrogance, or the sex? What exactly lies behind Italian men? I’m sure many Kenyan guys are itching to find out! So let’s explore the secrets behind, The Italian Guy!
1. He’s A Flirt – You remember that R. Kelly song, “I’m a Flirt”? These guys are the total embodiment of this word. Kenyan guys tend to just drop shady pick up lines mpaka you’re like aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiii!!!! Like this one, ati “You must be a ninja because you’re so fly!” or “Your daddy must be a baker, cause you’ve got a some hot buns” As in “da faq”? Who would want to date a guy with such rhymes yani? Ni wanaume wameisha kwa hii dunia? (The perfect response I’ve ever heard though is Boy: “How would you like your eggs in the morning?” Girl:”Unfertilised”! Ooooooooooooooh!!!! Touchdown, she scores!)
Italian guys never rely on looks alone. They charm the women. They are sultry, suave & flirtatious. (I don’t know why a visual of dark flowing chocolate came into my mind at this very point!) They aren’t afraid to tell a girl she is beautiful while being gracious & not super pervy about it. They lock you in and engage you fully. They want to know more about you & what you like. And the complements! I mean which girl doesn’t want a guy who’ll say how pretty your hands are while kissing them? (A Kenyan One!) Italians nakwambia! They are funny and love life. And their pick up lines, nothing short of poetic unlike Kenyan guys who think rudeness is some sort of turn on. Italian guys literally use everything to woo their women. EVERYTHING! So Kenyan guys, just because you buy her a Smirnoff Black Ice doesn’t mean she owes you shit. A little charm & a little flirting goes a loooooooooooooooooong Italian way!
2. Romance – Aaaaaaaaaaaah, the number one reason why women watch soap operas. Yes one could argue that that kind of love doesn’t exist, but trust me, a version of it does. With Kenyans? HaHa, maybe! Italians will tell you that you are beautiful; that you have the most stunning eyes they’ve ever seen. That your hands are the softest thing they’ve ever touched; that you lips are nothing short of perfection. They will make you feel like you are the exemplary creation from heaven. In that very moment, they will make you feel like the only woman in the world. They will look at you like a wonderful dream, like honey that flows beautifully while it glistening in the sun. They will take you out for dinner and then you’ll go for a romantic wander in each others arms while speaking the language of love. They will look into your eyes and delight in every moment that they spend with you.
Now you tell me, can you imagine a Kenyan guy like that? Ati all mushy mushy like “Babe let’s take a walk in the park!” The jamaa will pull a Muliro Gardens on you so hard yani! A Kenyan guy will be like, “Hiyo dress ni poa, ulinunua Ngara?” And if you’re waiting for complements, don’t hold your breath. Instead of saying you’re pretty he’ll be like “I like your makeup!” The complements if they come through usually sound fake or forced or come out so rude. A typical example “Aki umebeba!” “Si ukam nicheze na hizo mandyalala?” *Shock face!* How is that meant to make a woman feel special wajameni? And then Kenyan dates! Honestly speaking I’ve never heard anyone tell me they had an awesome experience on a date! Most people will arrive late, text during the date and afterwards, instead of spending a little more time getting to know the other person doing a different activity, say walking, they are in a hurry to leave to their other mipangos! It’s crazy, this fast pace to nowhere. Kenyan guys should take more time to seduce, to woo and make that special girl feel unforgettable.
3. Unforgettable Lover – Mmmmmmmmmm… I just slowly melt at those words! Who wouldn’t want that for those fantasizing moments when you’re bored out of your mind in the office or in class or in a mat ride to tao? Italian men are very confident and according to rumors, wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild in the sack. (Now that’s a cause for celebration!) In addition, Italian men worship the female form and pay attention to detail, and I mean, every detail; from sweetly caressing your cheek in a passionate moment to playfully twisting your hair (I know black women will be crazy at this point, cause they’ll be like “Don’t touch my weave!”). This is the one time where reality is even better than the fantasy. If you notice, Kenyan men just want to do it and get it over and done with. 5 minutes and you’re out. Mambo ya foreplay pelekea wazungu! As in who would want the 100m dash when you could take it nice and slow with 10,000m? Did you know that you can turn on someone without even going all the way? (I probably should write an article on that by the way.) And even if there is foreplay, it’s not well executed. I have a friend who once told me she was making out with this guy and the guy kept on eating and trying to swallow her lips! The shock! The horror! Save me! Naomba serikali! (Insert funny pic at this point.)
Sex to the Italian man is like a hobby, a vocation and they make a career out of it. Now how enticing is that? They tend to make a whole ‘spettacolo’ (performance) of making love. It is considered an art form and given time, energy and thought. Italian men are also simply more affectionate. They kiss, cuddle and hold hands more. (I’m trying to imagine holding those scaly hands of that Kenyan guy…sema indirect exfoliation!) There is simply no loss of masculinity in showing your feelings. So do Kenyan guys need a class on Passionate Lover & Sex Ed? You tell me…
4. The Morning After Gentleman – Get ready to be slapped in the face by those scaly handed Kenyan guys! For an Italian man, a one night stand is just not a one night stand; a objectionable venture filled with “I hope I’ll never see your face again!” For him, it is a beautifully constructed experience, part of the passion and romance that is an Italian guy. Believe it or not (believe it!), you will always get breakfast in bed! *Jaw drops!* And yes, we are still talking about a one night stand. He’ll make sure you are well fed the morning after by cooking it personally (eish!!!) or takes you to grab an espresso at a coffee shop! I know, dreamy!!! Wait, am not done! And then he’ll either drop you home, (ahem) or makes sure you get on the bus or taxi that’ll take you home! Sema awesomeness!!! And while you’re on your way feeling all giggly and special, he’ll send you a text along the lines of “Seeing that taxi drive away was heartbreaking, but spending the night with you was magical!” Sema points! And he’ll make sure you’re home safe like the gentle flower that you are. Haiya, can you picture a typical Kenyan guy being that way?
That guy will make sure that you’ve come to his house under the cover of darkness like the ninja that you are, do you while he’s all tipsy or drunk in those 5 horrid pukeable minutes, mkate ya Blueband hutaona ng’o, gives you 30 bob in form of 1 bobs from the random change ya mboga on his bedside (that’s if you’re lucky, otherwise utajisort!) for fare, and he lives in Kitengela mind you. And once you’re out of his house, the transaction is a done deal never to be looked at or relived again. Kama utafika home safely or not, that’s your own ish! And you still ask why a chic would rather remain single than date a Kenyan guy! Habari ndio hiyo!
5. Loves All Sorts of Women in All Shapes & Sizes – Can you honestly imagine that! You don’t have to try to fit into a size zero or buy fake hips and chemicalised lotions which add more booty, allegedly, in order to be appreciated by these fine gents. And there’s nothing sexier than a man who wants you as much as you want him. Kenyan men can be a bit choosy knowing full well they are not exactly Michael Ealy or Idris Elba, sadly! They want a beautifully curved chic when they themselves don’t even have a one pack, let alone a zero pack! Italian men are strong willed and always strive for more. That ambition surfaces even at the very start of a romance. He’ll continuously work hard to improve himself and to let the object of his affection know that she is the one. When an Italian man meets a woman for the first time, he discovers her greatest attribute; her smile or her generosity or her long legs, and applauds it as though he was the first to do so. He makes a woman feel as though she is special and full of potential just in the way he looks at her. The reflection she will see of herself in his eyes will leave her full of desire and breathless with anticipation. An Italian man always gets the girl because he makes her fall in love with him as much as he makes her fall in love with herself. (I just had an ‘Aha Moment’!) Now that is what you call a real gentleman! What of Kenyan guys? Wanatosha mboga? I’ll let you judge.
So there you have it; The Italian Recipe. Because let’s face it, passionate, confident & oh so sexy beats the indescribable bland nature of the typical Kenyan guy! Hii mambo ya 30 bob fare, kataa hiyo! And hey, who wouldn’t want a jamaa who just throws you complements left, right and makes you feel like the only girl in the world? You want that? You like that? Ever dated an Italian guy? Share! Ever dated a Kenyan guy? (Probably!) Share! Ever been chucked out of the house bila mkate imepakwa Blueband? Share! 🙂